Most claim that these are random events: the result of a gust of wind, a careless flower smeller, or a falling branch. The drastic increase in these types of injuries, however, can mean only one thing. After years of floral abuse, some of our herbal cousins are fighting back. They are tired of being eaten, chopped up, genetically altered, and burned down. So if one of these abusive humans draws near to those blessed with sharp thorns and branches, the plants strike without warning, going straight for the eyes. As the gouging incidents increase, we will increasingly become both literally and figuratively blind, refusing to see that plants are living, conscious, and powerful beings.
Some say that I am crazy, a living testament to the dangerous combination of environmentalism and hallucinogenic drugs. Others might wonder why these attacks would suddenly start now, after eons of humanity abusing plant life. I do not claim to have all the answers. Decades of our genetic manipulation efforts may have created a new breed of ass-kicking plant. It’s also possible that the process of natural selection is simply running its course, producing an evolutionary leap similar to humanity’s development of intelligence superior to other apes. Or maybe God is fed up with the human race and has decided to unleash a horde of demonic plant life instead of hitting us with another global flood. Whatever the case, we have two choices: declare all-out war on those plant species who have demonstrated violent tendencies, or start developing a means of communicating with these newly conscious life forms in order to find a settlement or train them to be nice. In the mean time, I have one suggestion: Don’t stop and smell the roses.
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